Dear Fellow House Officers...

Dear fellow house officers,

I know that some days may seem impossible to get through. I know that at times, giving up seems like the most plausible option. I know that sometimes, our bosses/colleagues/patients never seem to make things easier. I know that we all get really tired and the word, 'sleep' at times does not even exist in our lives. 

Things would always be a little difficult because we are at the most bottom of the hierarchy that has existed in the medical fraternity years after years. I know that it would be difficult to trust me when I say that things would get better eventually. I have been there and it did get better for me.

Do not misunderstand me when I say, "It did get better for me." I did not mean that the job got less tiring or I got to rest and sleep more. What I meant was that the environment around me started improving once I learnt how to respect and learn from my bosses, colleagues and patients. What I meant was I started feeling less afraid of carrying out clinical procedures once I kept practicing them constantly without letting fear get the best of me.

I was lucky because I was always surrounded by amazing colleagues who were willing to guide me when I was lost. I was lucky because I have always tried to see the good in a person instead of the bad, hence whenever I was scolded or reprimanded, I always tried my best to learn from my mistake.

Whenever things get rough, do not hesitate to seek support from loved ones or friends. It is important to remember that YOU are SIGNIFICANT so nothing is more important that your own mental and physical health. Believe me when I say that I did not take care of myself well and I am facing certain repercussions now which could have been prevented if only I looked after myself a little better. I have no regrets though because I know that every obstacle in life would only make me a stronger person and there isn't a better teacher than a harrowing life changing experience.

Do not ever give up because you know that graduating from medical school was no easy task and you achieved it. This is just another journey for you to undergo and when you have completed this stage, you know you have achieved another amazing feat!


                                     

True indeed! Always remember the above quote, it honestly helps.

What Do You Do When You Feel Unappreciated?

I suppose nowadays time flies so fast because I am no longer unemployed. Since the day I officially started working as a junior doctor, time flew so fast that it has actually been an entire 2 months. Unbelievable because I still feel so incompetent at times, as if I just joined yesterday. I tend to take more note of my failures rather than success because I have always been a perfectionist and I never allow myself to afford mistakes.

Unfortunately for me, I got into this profession and I have made many mistakes. Of course, they weren't huge mistakes but in my opinion sometimes a tiny mistake can cause huge unwanted repercussions.

At times I tell myself that there is a major difference between someone who has been working for a year and someone else who has only been working for 2 months. I tell myself that I am still learning and there is a long way to go. Sadly, working environment matters and in my place, I wouldn't exactly call it supportive. There are good colleagues and there are mean ones who expect you to be polished on the first day of work. Fortunately for me, I have had a number of good ones who were there to guide me.

I suppose at times like this, God, family and friends that matter the most. They are the ones who are going to be by your side. They are the ones who are going to tell you that it is alright to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. They are the ones who would tell you to stay strong and keep going. They are the ones who will tell you that, 'It is alright. Your bosses went through this learning period too.' So always appreciate them no matter how busy you are.

This post is for me to remember all the good people that I have around me. To remind myself to be thankful for every good things that I have in my wonderful life. To remind myself that I am much luckier than so many souls out there.

If you are going through a hard time too, close your eyes and try hard to reminisce all those good times you have had in your life. You don't question the good times, do you? So why question the bad times? Life wouldn't be complete without both.

What Do You Do When You Run Out Of Positive Vibes?

There are times when I wish life was much simpler. There are times when I wish I could go out without having to deal with stares and questions from curious passersby. There are times I wish God could have spared at least my face and only gave me scarred hands so that I could be thankful for a flawless face at least. There are times I wished I wasn't the one who was in the room that day the fire happened. There are times I feel so pathetically sorry for myself especially whenever I scratch my dried scars until they bleed. There are times I feel so angry that whatever happened chose to happen to me. BUT the question is never 'WHY ME?' isn't it? It should be 'WHY NOT ME?' These are the times I run out of my usual positive vibes and I end up shedding tears so unnecessarily.

But are those tears really unnecessary? Sometimes it is alright to feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes it is alright to cry. Sometimes, nobody feels it until they are in your shoes. Sometimes, it is alright to mourn. Sometimes, it is fine to feel that you are the only one against the whole world. Everyone feels this way at some point of their lives.

Just don't let it consume you. That is the key. Don't ever live your life everyday feeling sorry for yourself because it isn't worth it. Yes it is usual to feel that way when something bad happens to you but when you do it everyday it becomes the worst habit that you could ever have. Whenever I start feeling this way, sometimes I do cry but most of the time, I start listing down at least ten things that I am thankful for in my life and in someway, it does help me to feel much better about life.

A few days back, I finished reading a beautiful book titled 'Tuesdays With Morrie' and it was one of the most amazing book that I have ever read and the most inspiring thing about it, was the fact that it was inspired by a true story of a professor who had ALS and his student (the author, Mitch Albom) who used to visit him every Tuesday to talk about the meaning of life. At one point, Mitch would ask Morrie, the professor if he ever felt sorry for himself and all that things that he could not do because of his condition and Professor Morrie would answer, “Sometimes, in the mornings,” he said. “That’s when I mourn. I feel around my body, I move my fingers and my hands—whatever I can still move—and I mourn what I’ve lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I’m dying. But then I stop mourning. I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. On the people who are coming to see me. On the stories I’m going to hear. On you—if it’s Tuesday. Because we’re Tuesday people. I don’t allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each morning, a few tears, and that’s all." AMAZING I KNOW! So glad that a friend recommended this book to me.

So it is alright to feel really negative at times but don't give it more than a few minutes and don't let it become a habit because life is beautiful if you know how to see an opportunity in every tragedy that has happened to you. I have so much to learn too and I welcome you to learn with me!

You get to choose. Damn right you do! 

Experience Is A Funny And Great Teacher!

Have you ever had a really humiliating experience that embarrassed you like nothing ever did at that time but whenever you think of it now, you can't help but laugh it out. That is why life is beautiful isn't it? It always gives you an opportunity to laugh. To laugh at others (I don't think this is good but yes I too do it at times :P), to laugh in a movie or to laugh at  yourself for the mistakes that you may have done in the past.

When I was a fourth year medical student or maybe third year, during surgical rotation in our teaching hospital, we were told many scary stories about one surgeon who was also the head of department of surgery. One of which was scolding and sending students who had their hair dyed out from the ward. Meaning as long as your hair isn't black or dark brown, you would not be allowed into any surgical ward of that hospital and if you are spotted by this surgeon, you are in simple word, SCREWED. So that is why I had golden highlights when I was in my second year and after a year of experimenting with that colour, I went back to black. I am definitely not the 'breaking the rules is the new cool nowadays' type.

Unfortunately, some of my friends were not really afraid of this so-called rumour and went on with the usual styling and all. So one fine day, a fellow classmate of mine and I were walking along the corridor of the surgical ward on our way to see patients and from the opposite, it was THE SURGEON and his whole team of specialists, MOs, HOs and nurses coming towards our way. I have no idea why I freaked out because I didn't really do anything wrong but I guess I knew what was coming since my friend had light brown hair. Not dark. But LIGHT. So before he could actually see us, we exited the ward and went to a ladies room just next to the ward and figured we would just wait there until he's gone.

Now comes one of the most humiliating moment of my life. A few seconds later, a female doctor entered the ladies room and saw us both standing there like idiots and told us that the HOD was waiting outside TO SEE US. How on earth he knew we were both in there, I really have no idea after all these years. So we went out and thankfully he told his entire team to continue with the ward round and that he'll catch up with them.  I really still had no idea why I hid in the washroom even when I did not do anything wrong. Yes that is so me. Been doing it since I was in kindergarten. :P

So we went out and saw him staring at us and God I was terrified. He asked us if we were medical students and the next question, 'WHY DID YOU GIRLS LOOK AT ME, TURN AROUND AND EXITED THE WARD?' Apparently he witnessed the whole thing when both of us were sure he did not see us. I don't even remember what exactly I answered but I must have blabbered something really insensible and silly. But, as expected he looked at my classmate, saw her hair and told her to leave the ward immediately. He did not even allow her to enter the ward to take her belongings before leaving so she had to wait in the hospital lobby until our class was over. Surprisingly, he looked at me and asked me very politely about my hands, showed his empathy and then left to continue the ward rounds.

The moment he left, I sighed with relief and thought to myself that running away is NEVER THE SOLUTION. A simple but profound rule that I promise to adhere everyday in my life ever since.

Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. That explains it. :P 

S-I-S-T-E-R

My sister's birthday is a month away and I thought that since I am so financially broke right now, I will blog about her and in return, she would be grateful enough and won't expect any gifts from me because she's a smart one.

Everyday I wake up feeling thankful for my wonderful family. They are the pillars of my strength and will always be throughout my life. Describing every member of my family would take me a very long time because they're all so unique and special in their own ways so I thought that I would start with my sister.

You see, there was a period of time she was in a boarding school. A couple of months. She was thirteen then. She was a good student and so was accepted into a local boarding school and my parents were really proud of her. But after a few months, she came back and refused to ever go back to that place. I never felt less proud of her because I know she had her reasons and hey, until I am in her shoes, who am I to judge right? But apparently after all these years (13 years later), people who may or may not consist of relatives and friends STILL love talking about this fact and the thing is she's really great at ignoring them completely. That's the thing I admire about her. She never gives a damn about what people say or think about her. LIKE GENUINELY she does not give a rat's ass about what people say about her.

She shouldn't I suppose. Considering the fact that she's only a twenty-six years old engineer currently going to complete her post-graduate course while working and contributing to our family financially. She owns a car and has already started a few investment plans which would secure a prosperous future for her. I could go on listing her achievements but I don't want her to get too puffed up if she ever reads this post and rub it in my face later while we fight which happens quite often. :P

She's a real feminist. She works in an environment where she would be the only one female among her male colleagues and she never lets it bother her in any way. She has her own principles of being a lady and I respect that. She doesn't use any sort of makeup products or do her hair to impress anyone. She doesn't dress for an event to fit in but she wears it to be comfortable.

She's an amazing driver. A hardcore one I would say. Complimented by some and feared by some other for her formula one driving skills. LOL.

Although she's all tough with the strangers she meet, she is one of the most loyal friend you could have and also the best sister anyone could ask for. She's caring and she never fails to show that to all of us at home. Although she and I have our differences in many aspects, I know that I am blessed to have this one tough women as my sister. She's a real soldier and I have no doubt that she would go very far in life.

SERIOUSLY :P

                                 

Look for Inspiration. ALWAYS!

Most of the time, I am a very optimistic person. MOST OF THE TIME. Meaning there are times when I do feel negativity creeping into my soul and those are the days when I feel demotivated and helpless. This is normal I suppose. Everyone has bad days and good days after all.

When I feel down, I always tend to look for inspiration to help me up. I believe that inspiration can be found ANYWHERE. It can be from your own memories of the things you have achieved so far or the people who you look up to in your lives. Or you can think about great leaders who inspire you. Recently, I read the autobiography of Mr Mandela, 'Long Walk To Freedom' and I felt so much of awe while reading it because I used to think I have troubles but compared to what he went through, mine was almost non-existent. So you can definitely find inspiration in good books too. 

As medical students, we are required to attend ward rounds and in certain departments, we'll have to present cases. In other departments, the consultant or specialist might engage with the students by asking questions pertaining to a case and most of the time, we will get scolded because there is always one question that we wouldn't know the answer to. During these times, it is exceptionally difficult to go for ward rounds and I will have this tiny voice inside my head saying, 'Hey it is just for one day and you aren't going to miss much. So let's just skip this one.' Believe me, that voice is a powerful one and a few times it did succeed in tempting me to skip classes to my UTMOST REGRET. But I have this method of ignoring that voice. Which is again, LOOKING FOR INSPIRATION. My inspiration has always been the very dedicated and diligent doctors who worked at the teaching hospital I used to go. There's one specialist who used to start his ward rounds at 6.30 a.m and it'll go on for about 3 hours because he pays that much attention to each and every patient while at the same time, conducting Q&A sessions with us students. I used to have a very huge crush on him. Still do. I used to think that if he could do it, I should be able to do it too. It helped me not only for that posting but throughout the year, I was able to go early to wards even when it wasn't compulsory just so that I could learn more from patients and doctors. 

Another method that I usually apply to inspire myself is to think about the aftermath of achieving something great from doing hard work. The simple logic: Hard work = Progress = Achievement = Happiness. So think about the progress you are going to make by putting in effort and how happy you are going to be after achieving your goals. That would definitely be a great push for you to work harder and go further in life. 

In the movie, 'INVICTUS' (A movie that every single one of you SHOULD WATCH regardless of whether or not you need some inspiration.), Morgan Freeman who played the character of Mr Mandela himself recites a beautiful and meaningful poem. This poem was Mr Mandela's source of inspiration when he was incarcerated at Robben Island prison for 27 years. Though just a poem on a piece of paper, it kept him going and when he was released, he came out STRONGER and became South Africa's first black president in 1994. 

So you see, you can find inspiration anywhere. You just have to really look for it! 

I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE. I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL.

                                     

Lesson Learnt From a 'Religious and Respectable' Person

There is this perception nowadays, 'You must never trust a person who's too religious' among some of the people I know. Whether the majority of the world have this perception or not, that I have no idea about. So I decided to share my interesting experience with a so-called religious person because I suppose maybe some of you could relate to this experience of mine. 

One fine day, my friend and I bumped into this person who is a respected lecturer in a shop. We recognized him from a religious talk we attended and he was the speaker. Personally, I thought that he was very knowledgeable and some things he shared about God made so much of sense. Since we recognized him, we stopped and looked at him for a few seconds and then went on with buying groceries. I told my friend, 'Hey look, this was the lecturer who gave that talk the other day and he was really good wasn't he?' She agreed with me and after that, we jumped to another topic and wasn't really concentrating on him anymore. 

We then went to pay at the cashier and he was standing right in front of us. At that moment, all of a sudden, he turned to look at us and started asking us questions like if we were students from the campus he was teaching. We answered him politely and suddenly, he stopped and asked us, 'So do you think it is very funny to see a man who is very religious and pious looking?' At that moment, my friend and I were truly stunned because minutes ago, we were actually talking about him very respectfully and for some reason, he got that aura or perception or call it whatever you want about the both of us. 'No sir, of course it isn't funny and we weren't really laughing at you.' But the conversation went on for a few seconds and he ended his ADVICE with, 'That's alright girls. God is watching and he knows who is right and who is wrong.' Well to tell you the truth, I was extremely pissed off with that man because he had no right to accuse us like that especially when we did have much respect towards him for the way he spoke about religion. On top of it, he used to give us this weird stare whenever he saw us in campus. Even after all those years! 

I may not know much about religion, but I know if you are truly a devotee of God, you would not be bothered about matters like what people think about you because you know in the end, the deal is only between you and God. I also know that it is not at all polite to accuse people of doing something that they didn't. So just like that, my respect for that lecturer flew out of the window. JUST LIKE THAT. 

The reason I am sharing this incident is not to express my dissatisfaction towards the person involved but it is a reminder that perception can be very deceiving. You may perceive something as the truth but it really isn't. Without listening to the other person, you would never come close to the truth. I suppose nowadays it really isn't easy to find an inspiring religious speaker who is also good human beings. If you know any, please let me know as I am always eager to learn more about God. :-) 

Getting Out of Your Comfort Zones!

I came across this line a few days ago: COMFORT ZONES ARE BEAUTIFUL BUT NOTHING EVER GROWS THERE. 

From my experience (Well I am not 60 yet so I would say that my experience in life isn't that vast but I do have some valuable ones which I would always cherish :P), this line is so very true! The thing is, it isn't easy to get out of your comfort zone. I mean that is why it is called a COMFORT zone. So, sometimes you need a very strong will power to go out there and make it happen. 

If you just wait for someone to accompany you or for someone to get you out, you would be missing out on all the magic that is happening OUTSIDE of your comfort zone. So, DON'T WAIT. 

My comfort zone is a place where nobody stares at my scars. Basically, it means my comfort zone only consist of my family and close friends who are accustomed to my scars. I don't have to hide anything from them and I never have to answer the question, 'Whoa what happened to your hands?' So if I choose to just stay in my comfort zone, I probably would never get out of my house. I probably would just give up on my dreams and stay put in that wonderful zone where I could be at peace. But, is that really LIVING? Of course NOT. 

I agree that it can be a very difficult thing to do though. Few years back, I joined a medical camp in Cambodia. It was a very random thing that I did. One fine boring day at my hostel room, I just googled about volunteering for medical camps and found this website. I got myself registered even when I had all these negative thoughts in my head saying that maybe this is too much or maybe I wouldn't fit in or maybe this is a huge mistake. But you know what, it was one of the best decision that I made because during that camp, I met many wonderful people who taught me so much. I learnt to be thankful for whatever I have because I saw how the villagers there lived and it wasn't an easy life as they had limited access to healthcare facilities. I learnt to work in a team and my group mates were very knowledgeable and humble too. But do you think nobody stared or asked me about my scars? Of course 90% of the people I met there asked me about it. Even in their own local language. :P But I was alright with talking about it because the experience I gained surpassed everything else.

When you venture into new places, you learn to adapt and you become a more confident person because you faced a challenge. The need to overcome that fear makes you a stronger person. If you hate going out and talking to people, go out and do it. If you hate presenting a case in front of an entire audience, go ahead and do it. If you hate learning something new because you're afraid of being bad at it, that is fine. Just go ahead and do it anyway because believe me, that experience would be worth it. If the experience is rather embarrassing, that is fine because you would think back and laugh about it down the road. It could even be an interesting story for you to tell your friends or children. I know I have a knack for involving myself in humiliating situations but that's fine by me because I do laugh whenever I think about them and hey, laughter's the best medicine right? LOL.

Remember, you may be just comfortable right now but if you really want to be happy, GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE and who knows, whatever you really desired for may be right outside of that zone you're in right now. 

Health talk. I was terrified. :P 

My very nice MO. Would always be thankful for all his guidance during the camp. =)

We made a great team! 

Just for gags :P

SO TRUE! 

Expecting to Be Spoon Fed?

Expecting to be spoon fed aren't you? This question is very often asked by lecturers to students. I am sure that this applies not only to medical students. When I was still new to medical school, this question used to irk me because I used to think that I am after all new to this whole thing so yes I expect to be given some sort of guidance. But as I venture deeper into the world of medical school, it did hit me that the question was a fair one.

When you're asked that question, it really means that the lecturers would like their students to be more proactive in gaining knowledge, completing assignments and what not? A simple comparison between a proactive student and a student who isn't, who do you think would gain more? I am not saying that you should pretend to be all enthusiastic and proactive in front of lecturers so that you could impress them and get them to grant you high marks during exam. Of course, I have met my share of such people but that is just the world nowadays and that isn't exactly the point of this blog. :P

So, the question is as a medical student, how do you go about being proactive? It isn't that difficult really. Many would disagree but from my personal experience, it is very simple. All it requires is a little more of your precious time, a little more of interest, a bit more of courage and SLIGHTLY a little more EFFORT. BUT, it does require much of your will power. The will to not run off to your comfort zones the moment classes are over. The will to wake up earlier on some weekends to go to hospitals. The will to not procrastinate your preparation for final examination until the very last minute. When I say final examination, I mean your final clinical bedside exams which would consist of long and short cases.

When consultants and specialists ask you the question, 'Are you expecting to be spoon fed?', all they really want is for you to put in some extra effort by yourselves without solely depending on them to teach you all that you need to know to become competent and knowledgeable doctors someday. Do remember that they have more important responsibilities such as SAVING LIVES!

When they ask you this question, they expect you to:

1. Go to the ward. Clerk and examine as many patients as you can. Don't do this only when you're up next as a presenter for your group. Go in a group of 2 or 3 preferably. Then, discuss about what you have learnt from that patient's condition. Take turns clerking and examining patients. If possible, do this with time limit. I started doing this only in final year and I really have regrets for not doing this from the moment I started my clinical years. It will help not only to increase your knowledge about common diseases but also improve your presentation and examination skills. SERIOUSLY, START NOW. YOU WOULD THANK ME DURING YOUR FINAL YEAR. :P

2. Go to clinics and ward rounds. Ok I admit that I have skipped many of these sessions and I am not so proud of it. You may or may not get a good consultant during these sessions but if you do, believe me, you would never forget all the lessons learnt during those sessions. My friends and I had a good number of awesome HOs, MOs, specialists and consultants who were willing to teach us during ward rounds and at clinics. Of course, you wouldn't be lucky all the time. I remember once I did go through hell with this one specialist who was very unhappy about having students in her clinics. Well these do happen sometimes but don't let a few bad teachers ruin your thirst for knowledge. Sometimes, they might even remember you during your final examination and that helps to boost their impression towards you as an exam candidate.

3. When it is your turn to present, PLEASE do it for the sake of learning thoroughly about the patient's condition. Do it so that your group mates would gain as much as you. Don't do it for the sake of getting off the 'list of upcoming presenters'. Do your homework before you present. Don't just present blindly without knowing ANYTHING about your provisional and differential diagnoses. That really pisses off your lecturers/specialists/consultants. They could actually judge you from the way you present. Don't you think they would be more than willing to teach you if you show them that you are interested in learning about the patient?

4. Don't be afraid to go by yourselves and talk to the patients. Without practice, this is never going to be easy. I learnt this the hard way when I had a terrible time clerking a patient for my orthopaedic bedside examination during my FOURTH year. Yes, I was in FOURTH YEAR and I still had problems remembering what questions to ask and how to go on about the physical examination BECAUSE I was so used to having my friends help me out with these things during regular presentation. Yes it is important to have a good group of friends to discuss but it is equally important to be able to clerk and examine a patient by yourself. Always remember, during your final year bedside exams, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. Don't get me wrong though. I am not saying that if there is a patient with excellent findings in the ward, go by yourself secretly and see the patient. THAT IS A BIG NO NO. Sharing is caring. Keep that in mind!

Hey I wasn't a perfect student and I learnt these things along the way. Most of them are based on personal experiences and mistakes that I have done. So, these aren't exactly rules of thumb. In the end, you know what works the best for you so it is entirely up to you whether or not to apply the above methods.

Alright then. My ranting ends here. :P

This used to motivate me whenever I needed a push :) 

Tough Love during Clinical Years

If you are a medical student, you would be able to relate to this post or find it useful (HOPEFULLY :P).

From where I graduated, clinical years starts off once you enter your third year. During my first and second year as a medical student, I used to hear horror stories from my seniors and friends from other universities regarding some TERRIBLE/HORRIBLE/SCARY/PSYCHOTIC consultants and lecturers that I might be facing during my clinical years and yes, I admit that I was pretty much really nervous before entering my third year. 

From third year until final year, we are expected to go to our respective teaching hospital and see patients. By, 'seeing', I mean clerking and examining patients. We are then supposed to present our cases to consultants/lecturers that are in charge of taking our teaching session for that day. So, this was definitely something more challenging as compared to our previous years because it involves mainly soft skills like being able to build a good rapport with patients and also presenting the cases rather than just reading them. This process then continues on with discussion of the patient's condition. So this whole process could be overwhelming at times especially if it involves really scary lecturers/consultants. 

Now, let me tell you what I have gained from all those so-called TERRIBLE/HORRIBLE/SCARY/PSYCHOTIC consultants/lecturers. I admit that it was sometimes, a nerve-racking ordeal. Looking at them itself was scary enough, imagine presenting to them and then, answering their questions during discussion. Worse still, demonstrating an examination method on a patient in front of them and all your group mates. I still have nightmares about some of those sessions until now. :P 

BUT, the thing is I realize that these teachers are the ones who made me a more confident person and less nervous during my real final bedside examination. Yes, the more you present to them and get scolded, the less you feel anxious when you present to anyone else the next time. Which is good because confidence is really important during your bedside examination. 

Most of them aren't psychotic. REALLY. They are notoriously strict because we are after all going to be future doctors and a single careless mistake could be harmful to a patient's life so can you blame them for being that way? 

Let me tell you about this one consultant who used to give us that IMPENDING FEAR OF DEATH when we waited for her at the ward. I can't reveal no more to protect the consultant's identity and more importantly, my life. LOL. Anyway, I don't remember ever feeling that afraid of ANYONE else in my life because believe me, this consultant could make you pee in your pants only by staring at you. But guess what? After all the classes and training we had with this consultant, we learnt so much about things that we thought we could never master or memorize. We could just look at one patient's investigation chart and point out what was abnormal even WITHOUT referring to the normal values. And this was only after a few clinical teaching sessions with her. She made sure we practiced our examination methods again and again and again until we had it on the tips of our fingers. So you see, it was tough love that made us improve. 

I also had this one consultant who was a real DISCIPLINARIAN. Believe me when I say this lecturer was another one of those who makes you think if you should just call in sick because you don't want to face him no more. But this consultant made me realize the importance of having the correct attitude as a medical student and later on, as a doctor. His scolding and nagging really drilled through my thick skull and went right into my brain because I could never forget those things that he used to say during our classes. He was a real perfectionist when it comes to anything that involves patients and again, I think this is really important for us as future doctors. The irony is, I have met him a few times outside of hospital setting, and he was one of the NICEST person I have ever met. So you see, he wasn't that terrible after all, was he? Just the exact opposite he was.

Finally, I would like to talk about this one surgeon whom many of my friends really disliked but personally, I really thought that he was amazing. Let me tell you why he was disliked by many of my group mates. During ward rounds, he expects the students to present. Not the housemen doctors. Not the medical officer. Not the junior specialist. BUT THE STUDENTS. In front of the entire team and the patient. Not only that, but he expects us to be perfect in our presentation. So you can imagine now how we would have felt. SCARED TO DEATH. Yes, I admit that sometimes I pray he wouldn't turn up during ward rounds. But, I thought to myself, this would be another learning experience and he must have something to teach me as he was a surgeon after all. So a couple of my friends and I decided to put in more effort and learn how to present better. And most importantly, to stop being so negative about that surgeon. So what happened next? He turned out to be a real good teacher once he noticed that we were willing to put in effort and improve ourselves. We used to follow him a few times for ward rounds even when we were not required to do so and he taught us so much. I also noticed that after presenting to him, I really did not feel afraid to present again to anyone else because I had good practice presenting to that surgeon and getting scolded in front of an entire team of HOs, MOs, specialists, nurses and patients. LOL. So you see, tough love again prevails! :P 

So what I am trying to say here is that sometimes the scariest experience could really change you for the better. The most intimidating teacher could impact your life in ways that would be beneficial to you. The thought of facing these tough lecturers/consultants could even motivate you to work harder to become responsible doctors. Don't pray that you don't ever have to face them in your classes. Instead, try to grab as much opportunity you could to learn from them. Don't be afraid to learn from them but aspire to gain as much as you could from their experience. I know I did!

Professor Snape is an example that could relate to what I have written above. (Well, what did you expect from a die hard Harry Potter fan? :P) 

Remember, YOU made it this far!

This post is about reminding myself that I made it this far when many people out there told me that I should let go. It is to remind you about how far you have came when you thought you couldn't. It is for us all to remember that sometimes life may seem so tough that you feel like giving up but you always get up after every fall because we are strong! 

I wouldn't say that I have had an easy life though many people might disagree. Yes, I have very supportive family members and that made my life much better. I have parents who never made me feel that I was lesser than anyone around the world. I do wonder at times if I truly deserve such a wonderful family. So why would I say life was tough? I mean who wouldn't say that life isn't easy? Except for motivational speakers who would say that life could be easy if you THINK that it is. That is true in someways though. 

At school I would say that I was a bright student because I was a fast learner and I loved studying, being a NERD and all (Yes I am very proud of the fact that I still am :P). I loved my teachers and I would like to think that they liked me too. So after completing SPM, I started with my A-levels and I thought that I would do great in it but I found it difficult. I couldn't grasp many things that were being taught by the lecturers and for some reason, I was also disinterested. So, as expected I did very badly in exams and I had to retake many papers during the next semester. I was told that it was going to be tough to pass because it isn't going to be easy to revise for all those previous papers together with the current ones. I had doubts on whether or not I would make it but I worked hard and made it. Well I do have regrets about not obtaining better grades but in the end, do grades even matter after all these years? 

Then I left to Russia to venture ahead in my journey to become a doctor and again, I heard so many negative remarks about how bad a place that is. 1) It used to be a communist country so they HATE foreigners. 2) During winter, you would not be able to survive the cold there because you definitely WOULD FREEZE TO DEATH. 3) You have always been so attached to your family so are you sure you would be able to cope with it? Moscow is so far away! 4) You are a vegetarian so are you sure you would be able to get enough nutrients over there? You can't even cook. I am not going to lie by saying that these remarks did not intimidate me at all. I was afraid really but I kept in my mind that experience is the best teacher in life. So, I thought to myself, "No matter what, I would learn as much as I could from this journey!" And after all that has happened there, I don't regret anything because whatever I have gone through during that part of my life, it made me a stronger person. If I had not gone to Russia, I wouldn't have known that I had the strength in me to endure all those obstacles that I had to face when I was there. 

And if you have read my previous blog, you would know that I was involved in a fire incident there and for a year I was on medical leave. At that time, I had countless doubts regarding what I was going to do with my life. 1) Should I continue my medical studies? 2) Should I just go back to Moscow? 3) Should I start over and just venture into something else? 4) Would I be able to live normally with these scars? 5) Am I ever going to get over the fact that I am never going to be as beautiful as those girls without any scars? 6) How on earth am I going to make it up to my family for making them worried sick when I was still hospitalized? Honestly, I had thousands of insecurities about myself and about my life at that time. That incident was really a life changing one for my family and I. In spite of all that happened, we still got through those hard times. We supported each other and again, my life was back on track. 

After that, life was never the same again. Throughout medical school, I know that people noticed me because of my scars and that wasn't easy. But I also knew that I had great lecturers and friends who appreciated me and I was more than thankful to have all of them. I learnt so much and gained so many new experiences which made me a wiser person (I HOPE! :P) and despite of all that has happened, I made it! With much help of course. GOD; FAMILY; FRIENDS; LECTURERS; PATIENTS and many random strangers who showed simple acts of kindness towards me whenever I needed it. 

So, my point is no matter what people say or whatever negativity that is shoved towards your way, remember that YOU CAN DO IT. Don't let obstacles run you down because you have come this far after all. You came this far not to just give it up but to go on until you have reached your destiny. I have always believed that the journey is more important than the goal. The journey matters because you learn so much along the way and it makes you realize how beautiful life could be if you allow yourself to appreciate it. Most importantly, learn from people's experience but never believe them completely until you yourself go through it because what people perceive may often differ from your own perception. 

So, my ranting ends here. Do ignore grammatical errors if at all possible! :P 

~ A hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles! ~ Christopher Reeve 

That's me looking like a Frankenstein monster after I was barbecued :P 

This is me 6 years later, finally a medical graduate. Phew! 

                                                

The Perfectly Imperfect Me

It isn't easy having scars in this world. SERIOUSLY. No kidding. But it really depends on how you take it as an individual. My family members are always there to remind me that people are often just curious rather than judgmental but I am not entirely sure how true is that. Perhaps they are just trying to make me feel better.

I find it very difficult to go out and answer the same questions over and over and over and over, alright I should stop but you get the point right? I respect teachers who have the patience to answer the same questions they get from their students year after year.

Sometimes the questions and remarks I get are really silly. Or maybe I just find them funny because never in my life I would have thought that I would be in such a situation. I used to look normal you know. My sisters and I have this weird coping mechanism to deal with all these questions. We just burst out laughing whenever someone asks me, "Oh hey, what happened to your hands?". Don't ask me why. Certainly don't ask them why because they have no idea too. But we laugh and often get scolded by people because, "This is no laughing matter young ladies!". LOL.

So here is a list of remarks and questions I get whenever I go out. No exaggeration here. HONESTLY. Well maybe I did modify the way it was said because you know how we Malaysians really speak. These are just a few examples. It'll take ages to list down every questions that I have been asked before.

1. The most popular one - Oh dear Lord, you have such a pretty face, you don't deserve this at all. (ERR excuse me are you saying that only if you're pretty, you don't deserve to get into a fire accident and get third degree burn scars? Otherwise it is alright? *Roll eyes*)

2. What happened to you? Where? How? Were you a student there? Which year were you in? Was it in your room or bathroom or living room? (I don't see the relevance here? Since I have already answered the, 'how') Wait, Moscow you said? Which season was it over there at that time? (Again, why is this relevant, summer causes more fire and winter's too cold for any fire to occur? Really? :P)

3. You're a girl. It is going to be tough for you. (Ok I am not really a super feminist material type but God this remark usually really ANNOYS me. VERY MUCH. Excuse me, I am a girl and I don't think this is going to be tough because I really don't care if boys don't find me attractive because I am no longer a teenager. Yes I went through that phase A LONG TIME AGO).

4. Have you tried aloe vera? Have you tried, 'minyak biawak'? Have you tried skin grafting? Have you tried plastic surgery? Have you tried ayurvedic treatment? Have you tried Chinese medicines? Have you tried silicone gels? Have you tried laser? Have you tried getting treatment in Singapore? UK? Korea? India? (Well you see, my family and I did try many things. We didn't just sit around waiting for miracles to happen.)

5. You're lucky in a way because the person you are going to get married to will love you for who you are on the inside and not just for what is on the outside. (I still can't decide if I am irked by this statement or if I'm neutral towards it or if it is actually SWEET but it doesn't matter because I THINK the person in love with me right now feels that I am gorgeous. No this is not considered as blowing my own trumpet. :P)

6. Non verbal communication by means of STARING WITH HUGE EYES and sometimes pointing with index fingers. Yes I get stared at a lot. Initially after the accident, I used to think that there was something behind me, an alien maybe and that is why people are staring but now I know it is just ME. Apparently humans are very curious creatures. NOT JUDGMENTAL. According to my friends and family. I just pretend to believe them. Although now if they read this blog, they're going to know that I am pretending. OOPS.

7. This is my all time favourite and it happened ONLY ONCE. But this unique question makes me laugh even until now. I went to this clinic a few years back and was sitting in the waiting room. This very hyperactive boy, about 7 or 8 years old came up to me and very LOUDLY asked while pointing at my arms, 'EH YOU SPIDER-MAN AHHH?' His voice and tone actually made every single person in that waiting room to turn towards my direction and again STARE at my beautiful scars. I looked at him incredulously until his parents apologized and brought him away though really I was refraining myself from bursting into laughter. THAT BOY MADE MY DAY. No made my day EVERY SINGLE DAY since then. :P (In case you're wondering, I am so not SPIDER-MAN )

So yes, it is not easy to look even a little different nowadays. Please note that I usually answer all of those questions with very polite answers and a huge smile. So the ones in the brackets is just me talking to myself in my mind at that time. That is not weird. AT ALL.

I know I am not alone though. I know that there are so many people out there who have worse physical imperfections and they are fine with it because they know that God and their loved ones see them as BEAUTIFUL human beings. They know that they are PERFECT just the way they are.

~ Wear Your Scars With Pride! ~

That is me so-called wearing my scars with pride :P 

Something Really Random for My Parents

Yes I have much time to kill right now so I decided to write a blog about my parents. Ignore the grammatical errors because I don't feel like caring about them anyway.

My mother and father are the people that I look up to. They are my role models/inspiration/idols/superstars, well you get the idea. They both came from a very humble background. They worked hard and overcame many obstacles to reach where they are now. They did not have the privilege to study in an air-conditioned room during the school days or even when they were receiving their tertiary education. Yet, they made it through school and finally graduated from university. Every time I feel bummed about studying, I would think of what they had to go through to get a degree and I would realize how lucky I am to have a nice room, delicious food, good moral support from my family and so many other things that they never had during their time. 

They also taught me to respect my mentors because teachers are the ones that shape us into who we are. I know that they are amazing teachers. I love mathematics because of mother. She makes solving numbers so easy! My dad is superb in our national language, Bahasa Malaysia. I love teaching too because of them. 

Many times, I have hurt both of them and yet, they have never given up on me or intentionally hurt me back. On a number of occasions, I have snapped at them but never have they stopped talking to me. I know for a fact that I was never an easy child to handle but, that never stopped them from loving me and I am so eternally grateful to them for that kind of love. They have always been there for me, throughout good times and difficult times. 

My parents are my guardian angels. If I am ever to be a parent someday, I hope I would be just as amazing as they are. Thank you mom and dad for everything! :-) 

~ Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget that our parents are growing old. ~ Anonymous 

Why is God Great?

So why is God great? This may seem like a question with obvious answers to some people and to certain other, it may seem like a biased question because they may think that the, 'Almighty' isn't that mighty after all. But to me, without God, life is pointless. I could give infinite examples of why God is great to me. 

I have always had the tendency to make wrong choices and at times, I never seem to learn from those mistakes. But during all those times, I always thought that no matter what happens, no matter how many mistakes I make, God will always be there to guide me through and believe it or not, He has always. I guess to some of us, the positive energy that gets us going through our lives is just something that emanates from within. But to me, that has and will always be God. 

I remember when I had a near death experience, I was stuck in a room which was surrounded by fire and I was suffocating, feeling the excruciating pain of heat on my body. I was ready to give up and I remember blacking out and collapsing on the floor. I was wondering if I should just close my eyes and die so that the pain would stop. All I did was close my eyes and chant the holy names of God or at least whatever that I could remember at that time. I also thought about my family and what I was going to put them through if I had decide to give up. So I didn't give up. I wanted to live my life for my family and for God. We all survived the fire. Nobody died. I still thank God every single day for giving me the chance to live. 

God is great because I know that He would always be there for me. God is great because I know that His love is infinite and He never expects anything in return except for my love. The beauty about believing in God is that I would never have to be afraid of where I am going because I know that He will be with me all the time. So that is why, GOD IS GREAT! 

~ God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty. ~ Peter Marshall 

My Experience during Final Year MBBS Long Case Clinical Examination

So I decided to write a blog about my long case clinical examination because it was a great learning experience for myself and I wanted to be able to read about it whenever I was going to attend any other examination feeling all nervous and jittery.

We had 2 days of clinical exam sessions, the first day for long case followed by short case the next day. I had my long case at Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah (Alor Setar) and at that time I was staying at my campus hostel in Sungai Petani. So very early morning on the day of examination, a friend of mine and I drove to Alor Setar. I wouldn't say that I felt prepared because I have always felt that way before any exam. That happens at times. No matter how much you study, you get that dreadful feeling that you might have missed something really important. 

Once we reached the hospital, we were brought to a waiting room and we had to wait for our turns according to roll numbers. I wasn't feeling that nervous up to that point but when my turn was nearing, I started feeling all those butterflies in my stomach and somewhat a little nauseous. After about an hour maybe, it was my turn. 13 of us were brought to another room and we were asked to draw lots to pick our cases. I was praying that I should not get an orthopedic case because I was not very confident in it but I guess on that day, my law of attraction was so strong that among the 13 of us, I was given an orthopedic case. I was feeling really doomed already but I was thinking that life goes on and whatever it is, I will just enter the room and give it my best. 

For long case we were given an hour to clerk and examine the patient. After that, 2 examiners will enter the room and question us. So my patient was a middle aged Chinese lady and she was very friendly. I greeted her, introduced myself and started asking her history. I asked her what was the reason she came to the hospital and she actually replied that she was asked to come specifically for the examination. I wasn't sure if she was asked to say that or maybe she was just being honest but to be safe I asked her again. She replied that she had pain in the right knee. 

So the thing about this patient is her story started a long time ago. When she was 11 years old and since then she had multiple trauma to the same knee. She underwent many surgeries to correct the problem. This meant I had to really rush and get the history quickly since I only allocated about 20 minutes for history. But my plan didn't really work out well because I took almost 50 minutes only to understand her very long history and thank God I was able to come up with a provisional diagnosis and a few differentials. Since I only had about 10 minutes to examine the patient, I did a few special tests to confirm my diagnosis. I was really so tensed up at that time because I knew I was going to have to present my history and examination findings without worrying about what I have scribbled on my papers since I didn't have time to rewrite my history at all. 

When the examiners entered my room, I really thought that I was going to do badly, firstly because I was so tensed up and secondly, I didn't have time to thoroughly examine the patient and thirdly, I wasn't sure if any of my diagnoses were actually correct. But I have done this so many times, presenting cases to specialist during our clinical teachings feeling the exact same way. The only difference was this was a real exam that was going to decide whether or not I am going to get my MBBS degree and I thought to myself that no matter what happens, I will take this as a learning experience to improve myself. With only that in my mind, I started presenting about my patient. 

I wouldn't say the presentation went very smoothly, I did stutter here and there but I would say it went alright overall. Then I was asked to summarize my history and that I had to do without referring to anything because I didn't really have the time to write a summary anyway. Summary is very important because at times the examiners are too tired to listen to the rest of your history and the summary is all they want to listen to. 

I was asked to say my provisional diagnosis and then proceed to show the examiners the technique of examining the patient. I did the standard examination method of knee joint and then proceeded with the special tests. My patient had a positive posterior drawer test and even that, I was entirely sure because there wasn't much of a posterior translation but there was a little bit of laxity (apparently that is considered as positive). So at the end of examination, I told the examiners that my provisional diagnosis was posterior cruciate ligament tear with underlying secondary osteoarthritis of the right knee. They asked me to justify my diagnosis which I did. During physical examination, I was asked the reason for doing each steps and also the difference between a fixed flexion deformity and an extension lag. I was asked regarding the management of this patient and also to interpret the patient's knee joint X-ray. One of the consultant asked me, if I was a houseman officer and I had to request for an X-ray for this patient, how would I present the case and request for it from a new radiologist that has never seen this patient before. They asked a few other basic questions and finally how would I manage a similar problem in a patient who's very much elderly and I answered total knee joint replacement as subjecting an elderly patient to multiple surgeries would only give the patient more harm than benefit and this justifies the reason to replace the joint completely. 

At the end, one of the consultants asked me if I would like to be an orthopedic surgeon someday and I replied definitely if there is an opportunity. So it was a real good experience for me because I was hoping to get a medical or surgical or O&G patient for my long case instead, I got an orthopedic patient and it went pretty well I would say. I thank God for giving me wonderful examiners who taught me so much on that day. :-) 

~ I never lose. I either win or learn. ~ Nelson Mandela