What Do You Do When You Feel Unappreciated?

I suppose nowadays time flies so fast because I am no longer unemployed. Since the day I officially started working as a junior doctor, time flew so fast that it has actually been an entire 2 months. Unbelievable because I still feel so incompetent at times, as if I just joined yesterday. I tend to take more note of my failures rather than success because I have always been a perfectionist and I never allow myself to afford mistakes.

Unfortunately for me, I got into this profession and I have made many mistakes. Of course, they weren't huge mistakes but in my opinion sometimes a tiny mistake can cause huge unwanted repercussions.

At times I tell myself that there is a major difference between someone who has been working for a year and someone else who has only been working for 2 months. I tell myself that I am still learning and there is a long way to go. Sadly, working environment matters and in my place, I wouldn't exactly call it supportive. There are good colleagues and there are mean ones who expect you to be polished on the first day of work. Fortunately for me, I have had a number of good ones who were there to guide me.

I suppose at times like this, God, family and friends that matter the most. They are the ones who are going to be by your side. They are the ones who are going to tell you that it is alright to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. They are the ones who would tell you to stay strong and keep going. They are the ones who will tell you that, 'It is alright. Your bosses went through this learning period too.' So always appreciate them no matter how busy you are.

This post is for me to remember all the good people that I have around me. To remind myself to be thankful for every good things that I have in my wonderful life. To remind myself that I am much luckier than so many souls out there.

If you are going through a hard time too, close your eyes and try hard to reminisce all those good times you have had in your life. You don't question the good times, do you? So why question the bad times? Life wouldn't be complete without both.

What Do You Do When You Run Out Of Positive Vibes?

There are times when I wish life was much simpler. There are times when I wish I could go out without having to deal with stares and questions from curious passersby. There are times I wish God could have spared at least my face and only gave me scarred hands so that I could be thankful for a flawless face at least. There are times I wished I wasn't the one who was in the room that day the fire happened. There are times I feel so pathetically sorry for myself especially whenever I scratch my dried scars until they bleed. There are times I feel so angry that whatever happened chose to happen to me. BUT the question is never 'WHY ME?' isn't it? It should be 'WHY NOT ME?' These are the times I run out of my usual positive vibes and I end up shedding tears so unnecessarily.

But are those tears really unnecessary? Sometimes it is alright to feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes it is alright to cry. Sometimes, nobody feels it until they are in your shoes. Sometimes, it is alright to mourn. Sometimes, it is fine to feel that you are the only one against the whole world. Everyone feels this way at some point of their lives.

Just don't let it consume you. That is the key. Don't ever live your life everyday feeling sorry for yourself because it isn't worth it. Yes it is usual to feel that way when something bad happens to you but when you do it everyday it becomes the worst habit that you could ever have. Whenever I start feeling this way, sometimes I do cry but most of the time, I start listing down at least ten things that I am thankful for in my life and in someway, it does help me to feel much better about life.

A few days back, I finished reading a beautiful book titled 'Tuesdays With Morrie' and it was one of the most amazing book that I have ever read and the most inspiring thing about it, was the fact that it was inspired by a true story of a professor who had ALS and his student (the author, Mitch Albom) who used to visit him every Tuesday to talk about the meaning of life. At one point, Mitch would ask Morrie, the professor if he ever felt sorry for himself and all that things that he could not do because of his condition and Professor Morrie would answer, “Sometimes, in the mornings,” he said. “That’s when I mourn. I feel around my body, I move my fingers and my hands—whatever I can still move—and I mourn what I’ve lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I’m dying. But then I stop mourning. I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. On the people who are coming to see me. On the stories I’m going to hear. On you—if it’s Tuesday. Because we’re Tuesday people. I don’t allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each morning, a few tears, and that’s all." AMAZING I KNOW! So glad that a friend recommended this book to me.

So it is alright to feel really negative at times but don't give it more than a few minutes and don't let it become a habit because life is beautiful if you know how to see an opportunity in every tragedy that has happened to you. I have so much to learn too and I welcome you to learn with me!

You get to choose. Damn right you do! 

Experience Is A Funny And Great Teacher!

Have you ever had a really humiliating experience that embarrassed you like nothing ever did at that time but whenever you think of it now, you can't help but laugh it out. That is why life is beautiful isn't it? It always gives you an opportunity to laugh. To laugh at others (I don't think this is good but yes I too do it at times :P), to laugh in a movie or to laugh at  yourself for the mistakes that you may have done in the past.

When I was a fourth year medical student or maybe third year, during surgical rotation in our teaching hospital, we were told many scary stories about one surgeon who was also the head of department of surgery. One of which was scolding and sending students who had their hair dyed out from the ward. Meaning as long as your hair isn't black or dark brown, you would not be allowed into any surgical ward of that hospital and if you are spotted by this surgeon, you are in simple word, SCREWED. So that is why I had golden highlights when I was in my second year and after a year of experimenting with that colour, I went back to black. I am definitely not the 'breaking the rules is the new cool nowadays' type.

Unfortunately, some of my friends were not really afraid of this so-called rumour and went on with the usual styling and all. So one fine day, a fellow classmate of mine and I were walking along the corridor of the surgical ward on our way to see patients and from the opposite, it was THE SURGEON and his whole team of specialists, MOs, HOs and nurses coming towards our way. I have no idea why I freaked out because I didn't really do anything wrong but I guess I knew what was coming since my friend had light brown hair. Not dark. But LIGHT. So before he could actually see us, we exited the ward and went to a ladies room just next to the ward and figured we would just wait there until he's gone.

Now comes one of the most humiliating moment of my life. A few seconds later, a female doctor entered the ladies room and saw us both standing there like idiots and told us that the HOD was waiting outside TO SEE US. How on earth he knew we were both in there, I really have no idea after all these years. So we went out and thankfully he told his entire team to continue with the ward round and that he'll catch up with them.  I really still had no idea why I hid in the washroom even when I did not do anything wrong. Yes that is so me. Been doing it since I was in kindergarten. :P

So we went out and saw him staring at us and God I was terrified. He asked us if we were medical students and the next question, 'WHY DID YOU GIRLS LOOK AT ME, TURN AROUND AND EXITED THE WARD?' Apparently he witnessed the whole thing when both of us were sure he did not see us. I don't even remember what exactly I answered but I must have blabbered something really insensible and silly. But, as expected he looked at my classmate, saw her hair and told her to leave the ward immediately. He did not even allow her to enter the ward to take her belongings before leaving so she had to wait in the hospital lobby until our class was over. Surprisingly, he looked at me and asked me very politely about my hands, showed his empathy and then left to continue the ward rounds.

The moment he left, I sighed with relief and thought to myself that running away is NEVER THE SOLUTION. A simple but profound rule that I promise to adhere everyday in my life ever since.

Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. That explains it. :P 

S-I-S-T-E-R

My sister's birthday is a month away and I thought that since I am so financially broke right now, I will blog about her and in return, she would be grateful enough and won't expect any gifts from me because she's a smart one.

Everyday I wake up feeling thankful for my wonderful family. They are the pillars of my strength and will always be throughout my life. Describing every member of my family would take me a very long time because they're all so unique and special in their own ways so I thought that I would start with my sister.

You see, there was a period of time she was in a boarding school. A couple of months. She was thirteen then. She was a good student and so was accepted into a local boarding school and my parents were really proud of her. But after a few months, she came back and refused to ever go back to that place. I never felt less proud of her because I know she had her reasons and hey, until I am in her shoes, who am I to judge right? But apparently after all these years (13 years later), people who may or may not consist of relatives and friends STILL love talking about this fact and the thing is she's really great at ignoring them completely. That's the thing I admire about her. She never gives a damn about what people say or think about her. LIKE GENUINELY she does not give a rat's ass about what people say about her.

She shouldn't I suppose. Considering the fact that she's only a twenty-six years old engineer currently going to complete her post-graduate course while working and contributing to our family financially. She owns a car and has already started a few investment plans which would secure a prosperous future for her. I could go on listing her achievements but I don't want her to get too puffed up if she ever reads this post and rub it in my face later while we fight which happens quite often. :P

She's a real feminist. She works in an environment where she would be the only one female among her male colleagues and she never lets it bother her in any way. She has her own principles of being a lady and I respect that. She doesn't use any sort of makeup products or do her hair to impress anyone. She doesn't dress for an event to fit in but she wears it to be comfortable.

She's an amazing driver. A hardcore one I would say. Complimented by some and feared by some other for her formula one driving skills. LOL.

Although she's all tough with the strangers she meet, she is one of the most loyal friend you could have and also the best sister anyone could ask for. She's caring and she never fails to show that to all of us at home. Although she and I have our differences in many aspects, I know that I am blessed to have this one tough women as my sister. She's a real soldier and I have no doubt that she would go very far in life.

SERIOUSLY :P

                                 

Look for Inspiration. ALWAYS!

Most of the time, I am a very optimistic person. MOST OF THE TIME. Meaning there are times when I do feel negativity creeping into my soul and those are the days when I feel demotivated and helpless. This is normal I suppose. Everyone has bad days and good days after all.

When I feel down, I always tend to look for inspiration to help me up. I believe that inspiration can be found ANYWHERE. It can be from your own memories of the things you have achieved so far or the people who you look up to in your lives. Or you can think about great leaders who inspire you. Recently, I read the autobiography of Mr Mandela, 'Long Walk To Freedom' and I felt so much of awe while reading it because I used to think I have troubles but compared to what he went through, mine was almost non-existent. So you can definitely find inspiration in good books too. 

As medical students, we are required to attend ward rounds and in certain departments, we'll have to present cases. In other departments, the consultant or specialist might engage with the students by asking questions pertaining to a case and most of the time, we will get scolded because there is always one question that we wouldn't know the answer to. During these times, it is exceptionally difficult to go for ward rounds and I will have this tiny voice inside my head saying, 'Hey it is just for one day and you aren't going to miss much. So let's just skip this one.' Believe me, that voice is a powerful one and a few times it did succeed in tempting me to skip classes to my UTMOST REGRET. But I have this method of ignoring that voice. Which is again, LOOKING FOR INSPIRATION. My inspiration has always been the very dedicated and diligent doctors who worked at the teaching hospital I used to go. There's one specialist who used to start his ward rounds at 6.30 a.m and it'll go on for about 3 hours because he pays that much attention to each and every patient while at the same time, conducting Q&A sessions with us students. I used to have a very huge crush on him. Still do. I used to think that if he could do it, I should be able to do it too. It helped me not only for that posting but throughout the year, I was able to go early to wards even when it wasn't compulsory just so that I could learn more from patients and doctors. 

Another method that I usually apply to inspire myself is to think about the aftermath of achieving something great from doing hard work. The simple logic: Hard work = Progress = Achievement = Happiness. So think about the progress you are going to make by putting in effort and how happy you are going to be after achieving your goals. That would definitely be a great push for you to work harder and go further in life. 

In the movie, 'INVICTUS' (A movie that every single one of you SHOULD WATCH regardless of whether or not you need some inspiration.), Morgan Freeman who played the character of Mr Mandela himself recites a beautiful and meaningful poem. This poem was Mr Mandela's source of inspiration when he was incarcerated at Robben Island prison for 27 years. Though just a poem on a piece of paper, it kept him going and when he was released, he came out STRONGER and became South Africa's first black president in 1994. 

So you see, you can find inspiration anywhere. You just have to really look for it! 

I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE. I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL.

                                     

Lesson Learnt From a 'Religious and Respectable' Person

There is this perception nowadays, 'You must never trust a person who's too religious' among some of the people I know. Whether the majority of the world have this perception or not, that I have no idea about. So I decided to share my interesting experience with a so-called religious person because I suppose maybe some of you could relate to this experience of mine. 

One fine day, my friend and I bumped into this person who is a respected lecturer in a shop. We recognized him from a religious talk we attended and he was the speaker. Personally, I thought that he was very knowledgeable and some things he shared about God made so much of sense. Since we recognized him, we stopped and looked at him for a few seconds and then went on with buying groceries. I told my friend, 'Hey look, this was the lecturer who gave that talk the other day and he was really good wasn't he?' She agreed with me and after that, we jumped to another topic and wasn't really concentrating on him anymore. 

We then went to pay at the cashier and he was standing right in front of us. At that moment, all of a sudden, he turned to look at us and started asking us questions like if we were students from the campus he was teaching. We answered him politely and suddenly, he stopped and asked us, 'So do you think it is very funny to see a man who is very religious and pious looking?' At that moment, my friend and I were truly stunned because minutes ago, we were actually talking about him very respectfully and for some reason, he got that aura or perception or call it whatever you want about the both of us. 'No sir, of course it isn't funny and we weren't really laughing at you.' But the conversation went on for a few seconds and he ended his ADVICE with, 'That's alright girls. God is watching and he knows who is right and who is wrong.' Well to tell you the truth, I was extremely pissed off with that man because he had no right to accuse us like that especially when we did have much respect towards him for the way he spoke about religion. On top of it, he used to give us this weird stare whenever he saw us in campus. Even after all those years! 

I may not know much about religion, but I know if you are truly a devotee of God, you would not be bothered about matters like what people think about you because you know in the end, the deal is only between you and God. I also know that it is not at all polite to accuse people of doing something that they didn't. So just like that, my respect for that lecturer flew out of the window. JUST LIKE THAT. 

The reason I am sharing this incident is not to express my dissatisfaction towards the person involved but it is a reminder that perception can be very deceiving. You may perceive something as the truth but it really isn't. Without listening to the other person, you would never come close to the truth. I suppose nowadays it really isn't easy to find an inspiring religious speaker who is also good human beings. If you know any, please let me know as I am always eager to learn more about God. :-) 

Getting Out of Your Comfort Zones!

I came across this line a few days ago: COMFORT ZONES ARE BEAUTIFUL BUT NOTHING EVER GROWS THERE. 

From my experience (Well I am not 60 yet so I would say that my experience in life isn't that vast but I do have some valuable ones which I would always cherish :P), this line is so very true! The thing is, it isn't easy to get out of your comfort zone. I mean that is why it is called a COMFORT zone. So, sometimes you need a very strong will power to go out there and make it happen. 

If you just wait for someone to accompany you or for someone to get you out, you would be missing out on all the magic that is happening OUTSIDE of your comfort zone. So, DON'T WAIT. 

My comfort zone is a place where nobody stares at my scars. Basically, it means my comfort zone only consist of my family and close friends who are accustomed to my scars. I don't have to hide anything from them and I never have to answer the question, 'Whoa what happened to your hands?' So if I choose to just stay in my comfort zone, I probably would never get out of my house. I probably would just give up on my dreams and stay put in that wonderful zone where I could be at peace. But, is that really LIVING? Of course NOT. 

I agree that it can be a very difficult thing to do though. Few years back, I joined a medical camp in Cambodia. It was a very random thing that I did. One fine boring day at my hostel room, I just googled about volunteering for medical camps and found this website. I got myself registered even when I had all these negative thoughts in my head saying that maybe this is too much or maybe I wouldn't fit in or maybe this is a huge mistake. But you know what, it was one of the best decision that I made because during that camp, I met many wonderful people who taught me so much. I learnt to be thankful for whatever I have because I saw how the villagers there lived and it wasn't an easy life as they had limited access to healthcare facilities. I learnt to work in a team and my group mates were very knowledgeable and humble too. But do you think nobody stared or asked me about my scars? Of course 90% of the people I met there asked me about it. Even in their own local language. :P But I was alright with talking about it because the experience I gained surpassed everything else.

When you venture into new places, you learn to adapt and you become a more confident person because you faced a challenge. The need to overcome that fear makes you a stronger person. If you hate going out and talking to people, go out and do it. If you hate presenting a case in front of an entire audience, go ahead and do it. If you hate learning something new because you're afraid of being bad at it, that is fine. Just go ahead and do it anyway because believe me, that experience would be worth it. If the experience is rather embarrassing, that is fine because you would think back and laugh about it down the road. It could even be an interesting story for you to tell your friends or children. I know I have a knack for involving myself in humiliating situations but that's fine by me because I do laugh whenever I think about them and hey, laughter's the best medicine right? LOL.

Remember, you may be just comfortable right now but if you really want to be happy, GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE and who knows, whatever you really desired for may be right outside of that zone you're in right now. 

Health talk. I was terrified. :P 

My very nice MO. Would always be thankful for all his guidance during the camp. =)

We made a great team! 

Just for gags :P

SO TRUE! 

Expecting to Be Spoon Fed?

Expecting to be spoon fed aren't you? This question is very often asked by lecturers to students. I am sure that this applies not only to medical students. When I was still new to medical school, this question used to irk me because I used to think that I am after all new to this whole thing so yes I expect to be given some sort of guidance. But as I venture deeper into the world of medical school, it did hit me that the question was a fair one.

When you're asked that question, it really means that the lecturers would like their students to be more proactive in gaining knowledge, completing assignments and what not? A simple comparison between a proactive student and a student who isn't, who do you think would gain more? I am not saying that you should pretend to be all enthusiastic and proactive in front of lecturers so that you could impress them and get them to grant you high marks during exam. Of course, I have met my share of such people but that is just the world nowadays and that isn't exactly the point of this blog. :P

So, the question is as a medical student, how do you go about being proactive? It isn't that difficult really. Many would disagree but from my personal experience, it is very simple. All it requires is a little more of your precious time, a little more of interest, a bit more of courage and SLIGHTLY a little more EFFORT. BUT, it does require much of your will power. The will to not run off to your comfort zones the moment classes are over. The will to wake up earlier on some weekends to go to hospitals. The will to not procrastinate your preparation for final examination until the very last minute. When I say final examination, I mean your final clinical bedside exams which would consist of long and short cases.

When consultants and specialists ask you the question, 'Are you expecting to be spoon fed?', all they really want is for you to put in some extra effort by yourselves without solely depending on them to teach you all that you need to know to become competent and knowledgeable doctors someday. Do remember that they have more important responsibilities such as SAVING LIVES!

When they ask you this question, they expect you to:

1. Go to the ward. Clerk and examine as many patients as you can. Don't do this only when you're up next as a presenter for your group. Go in a group of 2 or 3 preferably. Then, discuss about what you have learnt from that patient's condition. Take turns clerking and examining patients. If possible, do this with time limit. I started doing this only in final year and I really have regrets for not doing this from the moment I started my clinical years. It will help not only to increase your knowledge about common diseases but also improve your presentation and examination skills. SERIOUSLY, START NOW. YOU WOULD THANK ME DURING YOUR FINAL YEAR. :P

2. Go to clinics and ward rounds. Ok I admit that I have skipped many of these sessions and I am not so proud of it. You may or may not get a good consultant during these sessions but if you do, believe me, you would never forget all the lessons learnt during those sessions. My friends and I had a good number of awesome HOs, MOs, specialists and consultants who were willing to teach us during ward rounds and at clinics. Of course, you wouldn't be lucky all the time. I remember once I did go through hell with this one specialist who was very unhappy about having students in her clinics. Well these do happen sometimes but don't let a few bad teachers ruin your thirst for knowledge. Sometimes, they might even remember you during your final examination and that helps to boost their impression towards you as an exam candidate.

3. When it is your turn to present, PLEASE do it for the sake of learning thoroughly about the patient's condition. Do it so that your group mates would gain as much as you. Don't do it for the sake of getting off the 'list of upcoming presenters'. Do your homework before you present. Don't just present blindly without knowing ANYTHING about your provisional and differential diagnoses. That really pisses off your lecturers/specialists/consultants. They could actually judge you from the way you present. Don't you think they would be more than willing to teach you if you show them that you are interested in learning about the patient?

4. Don't be afraid to go by yourselves and talk to the patients. Without practice, this is never going to be easy. I learnt this the hard way when I had a terrible time clerking a patient for my orthopaedic bedside examination during my FOURTH year. Yes, I was in FOURTH YEAR and I still had problems remembering what questions to ask and how to go on about the physical examination BECAUSE I was so used to having my friends help me out with these things during regular presentation. Yes it is important to have a good group of friends to discuss but it is equally important to be able to clerk and examine a patient by yourself. Always remember, during your final year bedside exams, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. Don't get me wrong though. I am not saying that if there is a patient with excellent findings in the ward, go by yourself secretly and see the patient. THAT IS A BIG NO NO. Sharing is caring. Keep that in mind!

Hey I wasn't a perfect student and I learnt these things along the way. Most of them are based on personal experiences and mistakes that I have done. So, these aren't exactly rules of thumb. In the end, you know what works the best for you so it is entirely up to you whether or not to apply the above methods.

Alright then. My ranting ends here. :P

This used to motivate me whenever I needed a push :)